How to Deal with Family/Friends Who Hoard

How to Help Family and Friends Who Hoard

"The following are tips to help you approach and help a family member or loved one who is a hoarder:

Before you begin, learn about hoarding behavior. Understand the causes (anxiety) and the reasons for the hoarding. The clutter of items often makes your loved one feel safe. Without them he is anxious. Read information from the reputable online sources. Go to the The more you understand about this type of behavior, the better you can approach the situation with compassion and understanding."

Also read this PDF document that helps you understand How to Talk to Someone With Hoarding Disorder

 "Establish trust. If you approach the situation with an armful of trash bags, your loved one is going to resist your efforts. Instead, let your loved one know that you will not come in when he is not home and begin throwing things away. Remember, your loved one attaches a deep meaning to every item, even if it is a piece of trash, and you must start the process by acknowledging this.

Look for help. Don’t try to take on this task by yourself. Check online for support groups or talk to a mental health professional. Work together to create a plan for approaching your loved one. Helping someone who is a hoarder takes time, energy and commitment. At times it is frustrating. Having support for you in place before you begin gives you someplace to turn to throughout the process. Your loved one must also work with a therapist. Throwing items away is only one part of the recovery process. The other is to work on the issues behind the hoarding.

Have realistic expectations. While you might hope that your loved one is going to be open to the idea of cleaning up and clearing out his space, the reality is that he is going to be anxious, scared and resistant. Keep in mind that helping someone who is a hoarder is a process, not a one time clean-up event. Understand that cleaning out all the items isn’t resolving the issue behind the hoarding. Be patient, with your loved one and with yourself.

View any small step as progress. Once you decide to help your loved one clean up the clutter, you probably want the process to quickly move forward. But for those who hoard, this is a slow and painful process. It might take half of a day to go through one small stack of papers. Be encouraging and recognize that the small stack of papers has been sorted rather than focusing on the time it took to get there.

Offer alternatives. If you want your loved one to talk with a therapist, don’t make an appointment without involving him in the process. For example, you might talk about whether joining a support group, working with a therapist individually or group therapy is more preferable. If you want to clear the area so your loved one can take a shower, talk about options such as throwing items out, packing them in boxes or donating them. Giving him choices and involving him in the process helps him feel more in control.

If you believe the hoarding it causing a health hazard or is unsafe, you may need to speed up the process to make it safer. Talk with a therapist or other mental health professional before doing anything and make a plan of action. Decide what needs to be done to make the environment safe and start with that before trying to change the environment completely. In cases of animal hoarding, it may be necessary to intervene and have the animals removed from the house."

From: Health Central's "Helping A Loved One Who Hoards"

 Consider the Harm Reduction Strategy. 

When Your Partner (or someone you live with) Has A Problem With Hoarding
In addition to the information above, two additional things to know are:

1. "As the partner living in the space or another person sharing the space, you deserve to have a clear spot of your own. Pick an area, such as your half of the bedroom or a guest room, and negotiate with your partner/loved one/friend about clearing it out. If that means moving piles from the area to another, then do it. This can be the first step to clearing other areas as well." You could, and probably should, also negotiate for common areas: Kitchen, Bathroom and a sitting room - to be your "sanctuary".

2. "Do not decide you are going to “take care of the problem” yourself by cleaning out the house or giving away the animals. Doing so will not “cure” your partner, and will likely cause great psychological distress. Even if you decide to contact social services for help, without treatment, your partner will likely start hoarding again."

There is more information in this article: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/wellness/2011/04/when-your-partner-is-hoarding/

There is also some very helpful info in this one (what to say - and what not to say): http://life.gaiam.com/article/what-do-if-you-live-hoarder

Harm Reduction Strategy
Harm Reduction: What It Means, How To Do It

From: https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/16n0dy/harm_reduction_what_it_means_how_to_do_it/

"Those of you who've read Michael A. Tompkins's work know that--when faced with particularly delusional hoarders--he advocates an approach that he calls "harm reduction".

Harm reduction therapy assumes that it's not necessary to stop all compulsive acquiring or completely clear out the hoarder’s home in order to make the house safe. You set small, achievable goals that focus on things like clearing a hallway so emergency services can get through, for example.

Harm reduction as a strategy has already been employed by many interventionists seeking an alternative approach in aiding drug abusers. Using the method, interventionists don't attempting to cure the patient, client or victim. Rather, they try to minimize the risks. An IV drug user, for example, would be given access to a fresh supply of clean needles, as well as a means for disposing of their dirty ones. This is done instead of stopping the drug use entirely.

Here are some harm reduction cleaning guidelines from a Code Enforcement officer in California, who posts on one of the online hoarding support groups:


 * In terms of the "items" hoarded, there should be no what I call "putrid" items, like old food, used diapers, female sanitary items (I know of a case where a woman put all of her used sanitary products in a bathtub), human waste, etc. All of these items present a serious life safety issue, and need to be disposed of immediately, no if, ands, or buts about it. You can tell your hoarder that this is the type of issue that will get a house condemned!


 * If the hoarding involves, "stuff" like paper, boxes, clothing, CD's, craft stuff, etc, etc, etc, than I have a guideline I call "The 4-foot Lightswitch Rule". Basically, what I tell people is that they can keep whatever non-putrid items they like, but the stuff can't be stacked higher than 4 ft., or the lightswitch (this is a good 'landmark'), and it can't stick out farther than 4 ft. from the wall. This is a pretty "safe" guideline; if there were to be an earthquake, stuff that falls from a stack that is only 4 ft. high is less unlikely to injure someone, than stuff stacked to the ceiling. Also, stuff stacked all along the walls that doesn't stick out more than 4 ft. usually allows most of the room to be at least somewhat functional.


 * In terms of "the room", nothing should be stored in the hallway, as it will not allow emergency personnel to get to someone, or get them out, if the hallway is not accessible. There should not be stuff stacked around a heater vent, furnace, water heater, etc, or on top of a stove (even if they don't cook), as it presents a serious fire danger. Nothing should be on top of anything that has vents, like a computer, VCR, etc; the vents are there to let the appliance "breathe" and not allowing for that could cause the appliance to malfunction, and/or catch on fire.


 * There should also not be stuff stacked inside of bathroom or shower, or really, in the bathroom if at all possible.


 * On the subject of "plumbing", one of the things we look for is not only is the bathroom to be accessible, but all plumbing, heating fixtures, stoves, ovens, etc. should be functional. Sometimes a hoarder stores their own human waste in jars becasue they are unable to get rid of it. Other times, the plumbing breaks, and they are too embarrassed to let anyone in, so it's their only option. Either way, this not an acceptable standard of living.


 * The kitchen needs to be accessible enough to cook in. There is no "law" that says you have to cook everynight (all working moms would be in jail if there were!), but it should be accessible enough to be able to.


 * SMOKE DETECTORS: There are not enough words to describe the importance of these, espcecially in a Hoarder's Home. We in CA require them in every room used for sleeping, as well as a centrally located area to sleeping rooms. I recommend them in every room, except a kitchen, and directly outside, or in a bathroom. So, if you have a living room that is not being slept in, I suggest it; if it's slept in (because perhaps the bedrooms are unaccessible), it's required. Many fire stations give these out for free, so if money is an issue, check with your local fire station.


 * Plastic vs. paper: If at all possible, try and convince your hoarder to get rid of as much paper as possible, and whatever is to be stored, I highly recommend storing in plastic tubs, vs. cardboard boxes. Cockroaches, rats, mice, etc., LOVE papers. You can have the cleanest house in the world, shop at Costco or Sams, and end up with roaches because they live in the corragation of the cardboard box you bring your stuff home in. Rats and mice will nest in a paper like crazy as well! You are less likely to have a vermin problem if you go plastic vs. paper.*

Again, different agencies may have different rules, so check with them to be sure.

If you've got a hoarder who's not ready to stop her hoarding/acquisition behaviors, or isn't ready to work with a therapist, this might be a strategy to consider. Maybe your hoarder has stuff packed floor-to-celing, to the point where the air vents are blocked, and he's decided he can't take another winter without heat. Rather than talking about cleaning out the whole house, set a goal together of clearing enough space around each vent so that air can flow back into the house.

By giving the hoarder ownership of his individual decisions, as well as the chance to deal with his most urgent problem first – in this example, getting his home heated – can start him down the road to recognizing the risks associated with his hoarding behavior."

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